The Great Granny Crochet Book (1979)

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Remember that disgusting sweater your great-grandmother knit for you that your mom forced you to wear because "Gammie won't be around forever! Can't you just do this for her?"

Well, odds are, the pattern for that unholy technicolor nightmare coat came from this book.

In the late 1970s, the American School of Needlework released this gem full of creative projects for the "granny square" crochet method.

If you ever pick up this tome, use caution and protective gear, because, as evidenced by the giant "radioactive" symbol on the cover model's sweater, the patterns in this book are known by the state of California to cause reproductive harm, specifically because no one will ever date you while wearing any of it.

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Exhibit A: The above page, showcasing the aptly titled "Giant Floor Ball", an oversized hacky sack with no discernible purpose other than allowing 70's gals to wistfully lean against it and ponder their own dreadful taste in decor.

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Exhibit B: This young Davy Jones lookalike posing luxuriously with his no-name soda (perhaps a 7up?) on a guacamole-colored shag carpet. If you want a visual representation of the 1970's nauseating color palette, you couldn't do much better than this image, with its abundance of greens, browns, and yellows, highlighting the most horrific shades and hues of each. All that's missing are some muted oranges and purples and you've got yourself groovy hangout to blast Abba records and debate heady topics like: Who has the most epic mustache?


Burt Reynolds. The answer is always Burt Reynolds.

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Exhibit C: Everyone's favorite homemade toy, "Stitchy the Sucky Robot" made out of Granny's recycled afghan. It's one of those well-meaning toys that try for something butch, but can't escape the fact that they were knitted by Grandma. The kid has to be grateful for the gift because Grandma put so much effort into this toy and it shows, but the other kids on the playground don't care about that. All they see is Mr. Sensitive and his soft toy that tries too hard and misses the point of the testosterone-fueled play-things of the era. This kid is somewhat lucky he's in the late 70's and not the mid 80's because if he brought this monstrosity over to his friend's house to play Transformers, he would surely be laughed out of the second grade.

If you're in the market for a more modern book of crochet and you want to support this blog, buy one of the books below!